The Antique Nurse

By Sharon McNabb, Special to Civitas Media

January 5, 2014

This is a story.

My friend and I were on our way to the mall one day, and as we were riding along, laughing and talking, a cat ran in front of the car! We cringed at the thump we heard as the vehicle hit the animal. We immediately pulled over and prayed the cat was alright. … The cat was dead!

We were on a rather isolated strip of road, and no houses were close by. There was no collar on the animal. What to do? My friend said she couldn’t leave it on the side of the road, so we rummaged in the car and found a shopping bad with tissue paper. We proceeded to place the cat in the bag. We decided we would put it in a container at the mall parking lot.

With the day a little dimmer because of this tragedy, we continued on for our planned day of shopping. When we got to the mall, I lifted the shopping bag (marked Lazarus) which bore the recently departed cat, and placed it on top of the car while I collected my purse and helped my friend get everything all locked up.

As we were going into Lazarus Department Store, I realized we had left the bag on top of the car. When we turned around, we were just in time to observe an elderly lady looking around and then taking the bag! We couldn’t believe our eyes! She was “stealing” the bag, no doubt, thinking it contained hidden treasures!

We decided to watch and see her reaction when she opened it up to expose the grisly contents … to our disbelief, she started toward the store where we were standing. We quickly went into the store and began acting like we were just shopping.

The thief, who looked like any picture perfect grandma, came into the store and walked right passed us! We followed her at a distance and through giggles of pure “can you believe this madness?!” entertainment, we saw her go deeper into the lingerie department.

There was only a single clerk visible from our lookout point, so we edged closer to make sure we were there to see her open her package. With our hearts pumping like a 20-year-old, we stifled our laughter, as we saw her bend over and rummage in the tissue paper. With a scream, she threw up her hands, kicked at the bag and passed out!

Well, we didn’t expect her to do that, but being nurses, we went to her aid. The clerk came running also, and we told her to call 911 as we elevated her feet and evaluated her breathing and color (which was a little pale at this time). She came around shortly and immediately started mumbling about something dead. My friend and I moved to the background as the paramedics arrived. They believed she was confused and disoriented as she answered “it’s dead” to every question they asked her!

The decision was made to transport her to the nearest hospital, and as she was loaded up, the last thing they did before she was out of our sight, was to put her Lazarus shopping bag right on her belly!

All I can say is that my friend and I were not totally senior citizens yet, but, we could have used some Depends on that day! Did we feel bad? That’s a big fat negative my friend … you get what you pay for, or in this case, the consequences did fit the crime, don’t you think?

At the beginning of this article, I told you that this was a story and it is. Some days you can’t help but laugh!